by A. Vince Clarke

Duplicate, duplicate, toil and trouble,
The drum won't turn and the ink won't bubble
The self-feed's shot and the gears are worn,
And that jagged line means the stencil's torn,
Sheets stick fast, slide through in bunches,
Machinery your finger munches,
The roller's turned an inky black,
That sheet was printed front and back!
The margin's crooked, the stencil creased,
That oily patch shows it's too well greased.
You should have blanked that extra letter,
But you tried it there and it shows through better,
The shade on that illo's come out blotted,
And why is that white space leopard-spotted?
The ink spreads out like an age-old glacier,
But on your hands it couldn't be racier.

Open a new ream, big surprise!
It looks the same but it's a different size!
Adjust your margins side and bottom,
Looking for troubles? It's me that's gottem!
This page is curious, stand and stare
At a four-inch gap that shouldn't be there,
Clean the rollers, wipe your fingers,
---rub 'em, scrub 'em, the ink still lingers.
Patch that hole with a bit of stickum,
It won't turn? Spanner?? No! Just kickum.
Grasp the handle, churn it round,
Sheets fly through with a ripping sound.
Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty,
Thirtyone misses, and the roller's dirty.
Blots where the middles of the 'o's won't stop,
Spots where they offset to the sheet on top.

Faint ones, black ones, some in patches,
Half over inked and the rest just scratches.
If the counter's working you're nearly through,
Run off spares for the worst of the few,
Let them dry, if you touch you'll smear 'em,
Sit and relax before you clear 'em.
What's this feeling of stickiness below?
Where did you leave the ink? Ghu!! NO!!!


Faneds together in a chorus sing
"Half the fun lies in publishing the thing."
"Lies" is the word, may the sentence's creator
Spend eternity in hell with his goddam duplicator.

Data entered by Judy Bemis

Updated June 15, 2015. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.