This is all the editorial natter there'll be from me in this issue, because in less than a week from now I'll be on my way to discover America, just another bounder on the bounding main. As soon as I've finish- this letter column I'll be sending the dozen or so stencils I've cut---you'll recognise them by the absence of typoes--over to my associates Chuck Harris and Bob Shaw to turn into a magazine. I hope to get a copy while in America so that I can write them a rude letter of comment.
K.H.REMLUB Thank you for the appreciated copy of your magazine. Although the standard is quite high in comparison with other offerings I have seen in my long and distinguished career as a travelling representative of the Council (dust), I must inform you that it does not meet expectations. Having seen many rave reviews of Slant, presumably from people well qualified to rave, I was expecting the cream of contemporary fiction by such masters as Vargo Statten, Ray Goings, and A. Vincent Clarke. I was even under the impression that the mythical Ken Bulmer had condescended to grace your pages.
Instead I find that the only really worthwhile piece in the entire issue is the tail end. I do not mean the name and address on the mailing wrapper--that is the most distinguished--I mean the I DROVE JAMES WHITE fragment. Incidentally, where can one subscribe to this NIRVANA? It appears to be the most regular and dignified of fan publications.
(It is indeed, Mr. Remlub, but it is not as easy to subscribe to NIRVANA as to a fly-by-night affair like GALAXY or ASF. However, if you write to Mr. Bulmer enclosing a copy of your last IQ test or failing that a testimonial from me (cost L5:5) he might be willing to add your name to the list of those waiting to get on the waiting list for subscriptions.)
REDD BOGGS I was just winding up to shoot across this HURKLE (The Spring issue) when Hyphen popped into the mailbox. Not being pressed for time, I opened it, thanking Foo for the thoughtful soul who had circled which staples to pull out, and read it immediately ..... Temple's conreport read so well I'd have sworn that the happy event took place this year instead of a year ago. This was a minor masterpiece.
Strange inclination all you Slant people have---all in one direction. You seem to have the same, what shall we say, community spirit? that characterised the Futurians and still characterises the Insurgent Element.
Is there a Lower Newtownards Rd.?
(There is, Redd, as you would know if you had read your Charles Fort. He refers to a news item about 'eight girls missing since Monday week from the Newtownards Rd., East Belfast.' But I am innocent; innocent I tell you!)
VIN¢ CLARKE .... As for Hyphen, I'm glad to see that you are cutting a dash by starting a new line in a joint venture. (If you were capable of appreciating it I would make a pun here concerning the original Greek meaning for 'hyphen'--- 'under-(d)one', but I doubt whether many of your readers would understand it ... except perhaps such college boys as Mr. Keasler.) -(Huh, 'schizophrenia' next, I suppose. You'll never be President of the United States.)-
The duplicating of my copy was quite good, and even those words that were illegible could easily be guessed from the context. I would like to point out however for the benefit of my readers who may be strongminded enough to read Hyphen 2 after receiving the first issue that the missing syllable in the 40th line of my deathless poesy leaked from the metre in transit. I thank you for the plug, tho I've had one reader with an innocent and childlike faith in your capabilities address a letter to 'Vi ce Clarke.'
The portrait on the front page was exceptionally good, as was the one on the back, though I confess I cannot see the point of the latter .... oh, sorry, it's the stamp. I seem to have heard the name of this Carnell person before. Didn't he have a fanzine in '39? As for my own opus, I've had a letter from Sid Gale who accuses me of 'flogging the monetary puns to death'. Caught in the milreis of a compound pun I mite leva peso cents behind, but dinar let Sid forget if it's fort worth while to flog a pun, do it with a cat-o'-nine-teels. It's a sovereign remedy.
I would advocate the addition of 'X' to the middle of James' names. James X. White, (and how appropriate after his Parisian trip) has an unusual air.
Blonde: "Who was that man I saw you with last night?"
Brunette: "That was no man, that was James X. White."
Blonde: "James X. White? Oh, how exciting. Do you think you could introduce
me?"
Brunette: "That's just what the little redhead said last night."
and so on. James could always explain it stood for Xtra or Xuthus or Xantippe.
All right. I'll buy it. What does 'Glass Bushel' stand for? -(For the benefit of Mr Clarke and the readers who have already written in to tell us that Hyphen can be pronounced 'Hi, fan' I'll explain that a glass bushel is what Bob hides his light under.)- It's curious how the Celtic mind always turns to the mystic explanation, when a perfectly good rational one is forthcoming. This business of the perpetual wind against Bob when he is cycling, for instance. Obviously, Bob is the wrong shape. He must present a concave exterior to the wind, and instead of the air flowing around him, it gathers in front of him. Sometimes a vagary in the local atmospheric conditions will relieve the pressure, but on the whole, unless he can find some way of moving all the air in the world in front of him, I'm afraid his case is hopeless. He is on a par with those early pioneers of the railways, whom people said would have been crushed by air pressure if they went more than 40 mph. It doesn't seem to have occurred to anyone that that is exactly what happened, the news of the disaster being hushed up to prevent the abandonment of this method of transport. The convex survivors hastily installed red seat covers, and in time the law of natural selection weeded out the concave type, its only remnants being found in out of the way places such as Belfast.
In the same way, the reason a bike gets heavier as it goes further is the electronic friction caused by the tyres on the road attracting air-molecules which form an increasingly long and heavy chain. Of course, immediately the bike stops the electrostatic charge leaks away and the molecules disperse.
I shall be pleased to forward my explanation of why one climbs hills on both the outward and return journey to any interested enquirer in a plain sealed envelope. The explanation will be in a plain sealed envelope, of course -- the cost to the enquirer of mailing himself in a plain sealed envelope, or indeed any kind of envelope, would be prohibitive.
In closing, I must say I was pleased to see the absence (I'm trying to write in Irish) of this sordid commercialism so prevalent in fanzines these days. Only two mentions of prozines in the whole issue --- unless one counts NIRVANA, which could hardly be called a fanzine.
-(Thank you Mr Clarke. It's nice to see you big-time pro authors taking an interest in us ordinary fans. I'm sure all our readers will be delighted to know that over the last six months Mr Clarke has dashed off another novel to follow his thought-provoking SPACE TREASON, which did so much to promote the sales of 'Joan The Wad' lucky charms.)-
MAX KEASLER Hy phen indeed .. are you not too cute without words. How can you dare make fun-folly of my spelling when you spell "army" "aemy" (page 5). Ha, got your back against the wall and ally-over a barrel on that one. Don't try walking away, how about 'screetched' for 'screeched'? (Page 9) THAT's right cringe. Here's a good one, 'leprechaune' for 'leprechaun'. Now I'm drawing blood. (Of course I'd do better on stencil) but just mind-- keep yourself in yourplace, you Upper Newtownaide whitetrash .... you.
You speak of a column by me. I could write you some super-reject fan fiction? Willis, you're screaming in my ear, my dear. Really I've been writing fiction for years now; excuses for being absent at school, letters to the parole board, etc. I wrote my first story in the second grade. It went something like this: "See Jan run. See Dick run. See Dick chase Jane. See Dick catch Jane. See Dick kiss Jane. See Jane slugg Dick in the head with a brick. See Dicky cry. See Jane laugh in her sugar and spice." This might not be any Ernest Highway, but look at the dramatic impack.
Oh yes, tell Madeleine that box of candy is on the way. Thank her for the bottle of arsenic and tell her it was plenty. Also when the candy arrives, tell her not to eat any of the chocolate-covered-cherry ones--just feed them to you. Let Madeleine know I've got the two tickets to Brazil, and Walt, old boy, check your insurance and make sure it's paid up .... It's been nice knowing you, even tho we've had our differences. This of course is all over your head, but will Peter Graham be surprised!
BILL TEMPLE Thanks for the copy of your Quandry conreport. In ignorance, you're unjust to Wally Gillings. He wasn't at the con because at that time his wife was in hospital expecting a baby, and it was known that it was going to be a difficult birth. I'm glad to say the upshot was happy, and they have a son. He rang me up to let me know and said how much he'd wished to be at the Con, but of course it was impossible. He did manage to drop in to the White Horse later for a few minutes and leave enough cash to buy everyone a drink to celebrate his son's birth. I suggest you send Lee a footnote to your report explaining this.
-(It was too late for that, but this should reach everyone. Congratulations, Wally. Mine's a Guinness.)-
ROBERT BLOCH I have no idea how I'm going to recognise you at the Con, but imagine you'll be the one with Lee Hoffman and Shelby Vick. As for me, I am short, fat, fairhaired, and walk with a pronounced stoop, named Tucker.
Perhaps I had better explain a few things to you about conventions. Conventions are filled with, roughly, two kinds of people --- and for the sake of argument will temporarily classify fans as people, though I have my doubts and even some anatomical research to prove otherwise.
There's Class A (the type who carries a raygun and drops bags of hot water out of hotel windows) and Class B (the type who watches all this activity and writes it up for fan magazines, meanwhile commenting on the horror of it all.)
PTO
Class A has a lot of fun at the con, and Class B has a lot of fun gloating over it afterwards. I cannot be in Class A because I'm a pro and too many people are watching. Also it doesn't express the true me, because there are laws and stuff. And also, in some hotels, not enough hot water.
.... I'd say hello to Madeleine, but since I am fairly confident that she reads your letters to you aloud, that is unnecessary.
Hoping you are the same.
CLIVE JACKSON Many thanks for the copy of Hyphen. This little mags fills a long felt want in my life. I read the whole thing at one sitting, and still have several pages left for next time.
... In a more serious vein, here's an extract from my new booklength short story, THE ABOLISHED FAN, which should be in print this autumn. (I don't know where.)
NO THE
ONE MORE
KNOWS SNOWS
HOW COLD MY TOESTIDDLEY POM
THE MORE IT SNOWS
HOW THE
COLD COLDER
M Y
T O E S
A
R
E
G
R
O
W
I
N
G
MICHEL SLATER Deer Mr Proxiboo, I wood like to get the assistans of PROXIBOO to rite leturs four me and publis a fanzeen. Wood you pleez send me your fool price list as soon as you can. At the moment I can relie on my old man for pro-zeens. I think the cover on Planit Storys are nicer than asf becos you can pick out the flavors from the different colours better but my old man sez they are for looking at and not edibul. Is this troo? PS. I see I hav my name menchuned in a fanzeen al ready. It is quite troo, I doant think Bob Tucker is ded.
PROXYBOO LTD. In reference to your esteemed enquiry I have much pleasure in quoting you our current rates for standard PROXYBOO services:--
Mimeographed fmz, with usual crudtype articles including Willis column,
10/- a page.
As above, but without Willis column . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . 15/- a page.
Possibly, however, in common with some of our other younger clients, you would prefer to avail yourself of our new experimental ONE COPY FANZINE service. Quotations for the various models can be supplied on request. Each model contains handpainted blots, artistically placed, but fingerprints are extra. We can quote you for extra botching if desired, on our new Automatic Botcher as used by many prominent fan editors.
Your complaint about the inedible nature of various magazines has been passed to our Research Dept who report that while the paper used in PROXYBOO magazines has not hitherto been chosen with .... er ... this end in view, certain of them are in fact edible, including SUPER SCIENCE, SCIENCE FANTASY, and AMAZING. For sensitive stomachs we particularly recommend SCIENCE FICTION DIGEST, by Henry Burpwell.
(data entered by Judy Bemis)