// As far as I'm concerned, Fred Phillips is as good a writer as he   //
  // is an artist.  That could be a non-commital comment; but in this   //
  // case it's a compliment.//                                          //

	                           SPARERIBS

	                        By Fred Phillips

	                            Forward

The author wishes to express his deepest appreciation to Dr. Charles Riddle of
the British Archaeological Society and to Professor W. A. Stokes-Henley of the
British Museum, together with his most profuse gratitude to Miss Rose Hausmann
for her invaluable assistance in preparing a translation of her late father's
journal concerning the Jebel Ankara expedition, and to the Berlin Publishing
Company for permission to publish an account of that expedition in this book.
For his scholarly and timely advice in the final preparation of this
translation I am especially grateful to Dr. Alfred von Ord, without whose
expertise and profound knowledge of archaeology I should never have been able
to finish this presentation in the amazingly short space of three years.

The author further wishes to caution the reader that certain scientific
conclusions set forth in the ankara diary are those reached by Dr. Hausmann, to
whom the scientific world, especially that of anthopology, owes its deepest
homage.

	                               I

I first became acquainted with Doktor-Professor Julius Hausmann while I was in
the process of preparing a doctorial thesis in archaeology at the Sorbonne.  I
was working on the problem regarding the cultural submersion of a primitive
society when it comes into contact with a more highly technological and
sophisticated one, my case in point being the Almirez expedition  (sub Cortes)
which encountered Chuolotans in southwestern Mexico.  That May, Dr. Hausmann
gave a series of lectures during which he presented some astounding evidence
that history may not have been exactly what we surmise, owing to visitors from
the future.  I was so astounded that I forgot to wonder when the Herr Doktor
was not challenged by some of the Sorbonne faculty, and, indeed, received a
very fine writeup in the private publication of the Social Science Dept., and
in "Le Monde Arcaeologique," besides several other dignified scholarly
journals.  In part, the article in "La Societe des Belles Essais" reads, quote:

"...recent anthropo-archeological evidence unearthed at a dig near
Chenuztcatcan-Itza, Yucatan, has been found among other rather unexpectedly
anachronistic artifacts, a leathern flying-helmet and a pair of R.A.F. wings,
together with an object encrusted with earth salts and other impurities.
Chemical, ultraviolet, and radiological analysis, together with microscopic
examination have revealed the article, which is no larger than an English
penny, to be composed of steel.  It appears to be between four and five
centuries old, and is believed to be an identification disc, because the words
on it read:

	           'Pilot Officer William Portnoy, #12515904
	                     217 Squadron (Fighter)
	              In the Service of H.I.H. Quichazuma,
	               Emperor-Designate of the Brittanic
	                    Protectorate of Mexico.
	               Issued under auspices of the Royal
	             Chronoversion Ministry, the Honourable
	              Phyfis-Frothingbash Glengaurie, DFC,
	                     DSO, OBE, commanding'
	
"And then, in smaller print, beneath:

	                'This disc is non-negotiable.'"

In short, I lost no time in seizing the earliest opportunity of calling on the
good doctor, and was much taken by his charming and well-appointed daughter,
Rose, who spared no pains to ensure my comfort.  In our first Kaffeeklatsch,
Herr Doktor Hausmann intimated some of his future plans to us, and, being
deeply impressed with my thesis and my other academic records, sent for me a
week later to impart to me news of the utmost and highly fantastic significance.

	                               II

Dr. Julius Hausmann, late of Heidelberg University, had corresponded with the
aged Schleimann long after that worthy gentleman had uncovered his Seven Cities
of Troy, and had done notable work for the Egyptology Division of the Cologne
University Archaeology Department during the Tut-Ankh-Amon expedition.  His had
been the amazing discovery of the Rhadavashepsut sarcophagus when Professor
George Hermann and the famous Kurt Wiener had thrown up their hands in despair
and declared the dig a "fraudulent hoax".  Now, as Doktor-Professor Emeritus
from Heidelberg, financially independent, and on a long-merited sabbatical, he
was busily engaged in archaeological "detective work", examining myths and
legends in the folklore of the Middle East, primarily in Iran, where the Garden
of Eden is supposed to have originated.  Briefly, what Dr. Haussman proposed
was to undertake a full-scale field trip to the particular vicinity in
question, to see if he could locate any remains of the world's supposedly
oldest inhabitants.  He especially wished to see if he could substantiate the
Adam and Eve story, at which I was inclined to frown just a little, having long
considered much of the Good Book's contents as, shall we say, lying outside the
pale of pure science... to put it mildly.

I subsequently disengaged myself from my previdous commitments to a student
tour of Rome which I had been invited to chaperone that summer, and accepted
his suggestion to go puttering about the wilds of Asia on what I thought would
surely at least be an intellectual lark, and at most, an elaborate indulgence.
As Rose would accompany her venerable father, and I rather suspected that she
had taken a bit of a fancy to me, I packed my belongings with alacrity and we
were soon bound for Stamboul on the Paris-Orient.  There we would charter a
twin Beech cabin, get our visas authenticated at the Iranian embassy, where the
good Doctor had hinted he had a few strings to pull, and be off Djebel Aleman
in Iran.  Let Dr. Hausmann's story speak for itself:

	                              III

	                             June 5

"The customs officials in Istanbul, as were their counterparts in Cairo during
the Im-Hotep investigations of 1932, were extremely conscientious in
discharging their responsibilities, in the light of the considerable quantities
of equipment which young Welsh, Rose, and I presented for their examination.
But at last we have our papers  -- Mohammed Bey was extremely helpful,
considering the debt he owes me -- and we are off.  It feels good to sit behind
the controls of an aircraft once again.  I was obliged to go to a good deal of
expense to renew my pilot's license, but the rewards of flying have proven the
effort most propitious.

	                             June 6

"Landed at Mnishebak Airport in Teheran.  As usual the press leaps after a
story like a pack of bloodhounds, but Welsh reads them my official communique
and pleads that I am fatigued after our flight.  We will stay at the Colonial
tonight, and I will see the customs people tomorrow.  The convenience which my
reputation as a man of science has earned is not to be disregarded, but I have
found more than once that laurels have a habit of collapsing when you try to
rest on them.

	                             June 7

"It is quite a relief to finish all the official business attendant upon
entering a country, especially on a venture of this type.  After a hearty
Western breakfast at the hotel, Rose, Welsh and I escaped the throng of newsmen
waiting for us in the lobby, and fled from the rear, where a taxi was waiting.
I have always said that it is better press to produce results of a concrete
nature than to stand and smile for the cameras, prating of all the great things
one is going to do.  A quick trip to the airport, into the plane, receive
takeoff clearance from the landing tower, and we are pointed toward Djebel
Aleman and cruising at 12,000 feet.  A good thing ths craft has an automatic
pilot, or I would have to write this at our destination.

	                        June 7, 5:00 PM

"Djebel Aleman at last.  The Halifat Range is shaped like a horseshoe, and we
are directly in the middle of it, in a flat valley bordered on three sides by
precipitous granite heights, the only spot where a plane can be landed.  We
will set up camp and check our equipment, and tomorrow we will begin exploring
in a wide circle, never extendng the radius more than twenty miles.  There
should be something here, according to my studies.

	                             June 8

"There IS something here.  No more than three miles from our camp, Rose and I
came upon an area of undergrowth, small stunted treees, and tangled vines,
which we circled, taking careful measurements.  The rest of the soil for
hundreds of miles around is barren and rocky, of a reddish colour in some
places.  This seems to be the only patch of vegetation in the entire vicinity.
But what especially excites me is that on the North side, about forty feet into
the scrub growth, there is a spring of clear water, and at the lip of the St.
Phineas grass there appears to be a burnt patch....  Welsh has brought up the
instruments and we have begun to dig.  Of course the streak of burnt ground,
four inches wide and about three and one-half feet wide, must be where the
alleged Angel of the Lord touched the ground with his Sword of Fire.  It is
exactly where the vegetation stops and the coarse, rock-desert ground begins,
so it tallies with the legend of The Expulsion.  I have taken many photographs,
and specimens from the desert, the burnt patch, and the undergrowth.  But
enough for today.  Rose says nothing but I know she is tired.  Welsh works like
a madman.  We had a long chat this afternoon; it seems that his religious views
are apt to have been somewhat affected by our discovery.  There is definite
evidence, and it has been known for a long time, that the entire vicinity of
our investigations has been eroded away from what was at one time quite a lush,
almost jungle-like plain, so it is not very difficult to believe that this
miserable little half-acre was at one time part of a larger and more verdant
surrounding.

	                        June 9, 2:07 PM

"EUREKA!! Un Gottswillen!  The bones at last.  I will leave it to the clergy to
decide why Adam and Eve should have been allowed burial in the place where they
were not allowed to dwell, but my measurements tell me quite an interesting
story, meanwhile.  There are two skeletons, found at a depth of between four
and five feet, lying side by side on their backs. separated by no more than six
inches.  The larger one is five feet ten inches, the shorter is five feet four
inches.  The skulls are brachycephalic, which may be of some comfrot to Mynherr
Voerwords and one or two Yankee Southern politicians of my acquaintance.  But
what is the most startling, the most fantastic, the most unbelievable discovery
is the numbers of the ribs.

"The larger skeleton has ELEVEN ribs; the smaller one has TEN."

	                            THE END

	                           [pp. 5 - 11, NO-EYED MONSTER #6, Spring 1966]

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