(Some Assembly Required)

The major problem with conventions for many people is that they only happen on particular weekends in particular places. Many of you have asked us for a convention that you can hold at any time.

Here we provide Convenient, an instant home convention kit. With only a small amount of work, you can recreate that authentic convention experience in your own home. Thrill as drunken fans reel all around you! Panic as the beer runs out on the first day of the con! Collapse in a drunken stupor during the gopher party!

This fanzine contains most of the ingredients required. You will need to provide the following:

• A site. We recommend a living room or possibly a lounge bar. Kitchens can work well. We do not guarantee Convenient against accidents caused by holding it in a bedroom (or, indeed, anywhere else).
• A committee. Ideally, a convention committee should function as a well-oiled machine. Therefore, you should all get well oiled as soon as possible. Prime numbers of people for a committee include 1, 2, 5 and 13. Of course, the larger the committee, the more difficulty you will have running committee meetings and planning Convenient. Committee members should be quiet and should do what they're told -- to ensure this, consider co-opting the kids' teddy bears. (Worked for Wincon, after all.) However, you should ensure that your treasurer is rich as you will undoubtedly need to borrow some money from the convention cashbox.
• Beer. This is essential. Do not attempt to hold Convenient without a steady supply of real ale. If you are holding Convenient at a weekend, you should expect the beer to run out on Sunday. Trips out to the pub are a violation of your licence agreement.

You will also need one bin liner, a quantity of blu-tac and a roll of gaffer tape.

• Warning: Conrunning is not a game.
• Do not allow this convention to be used by minors except under adequate supervision.
• Always keep a first-aid kit handy in case of accidents. (not a bad rule for real cons, now that you mention it)
• Follow radio procedure at all times.
• Do not take glasses into the pool.
• Void where prohibited by law.
• May contain nuts.

CONVENTION TROUBLESHOOTING

If you have set up your kit properly, Ops will do this for you. Nevertheless, you may encounter certain problems. Here are some of the more common ones with likely solutions.

Site Management Complains about Bare Feet in Kitchen

Move convention to bathroom.

Site Management complains about not being able to get into bathroom

Lend them a bucket.

Beer Runs Out

If it is Sunday, this is part of normal operations. Otherwise, it was bad planning. Complain loudly to yourself at the gripe session. Apologise abjectly to yourself. Complain to yourself that this just isn't good enough. Throw yourself out of the gripe session.

Beer Doesn't Run out by end of Convention

You will just have to drink it all before you leave.

Ops report that a convention member is wearing nothing but a snake

Draw curtains before neighbours find out. Zip up your trousers.

LIST OF COMPONENTS

When you open your kit, you should find the following

• Talking Heads (3)
• Reusable Moderator (1)
• Convention Chair (1)
• Guest of Honour (1)
• Fan Guest of Honour (1)
• Badges (1)
• Multi-purpose sign (1)
• Nova Awards (3)

If any of these components are missing, congratulations. You've just started to experience the fun of a real convention.

INSTRUCTIONS

Registration
Find the badge. Cut it out. Attach a safety pin to the back and pin it on. You may now attend all of the programme items which we have planned for you.

Setup
Go around your site with the roll of gaffer tape. Tape over all power sockets, loose bits of carpet.

Masquerade
Cut a hole in the top of the bin liner. Put over head. Walk around. Award yourself "Best in Show".

Awards Ceremony
Give the Nova Awards to Plokta (best fanzine), Alison Scott/Steve Davies/Mike Scott/Steven Cain (best fan writer, 4-way tie) and Sue Mason (best fan artist).

Teardown
Put all of kit in binliner. Stop. Retrieve gaffer tape. Mend binliner. Fill binliner and throw in van. Pour yourself a stiff drink and swear you'll never do it again.