Being a nice and accurate account of the dayes to come in the proleptick year of Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight.

Jan 1^st -- Following the infamous warthog fiasco, Croydon fandom considers applicants for the funny mammal of 1998, and pronounce it the Year of the Dop. John Dallman knighted in New Year's Honours for services to staples.

Jan 2^nd -- Film of Starship Troopers opens. Simon Bradshaw reconsiders the wisdom of marrying Bug.

Jan 14^th -- Marianne's warranty expires.

Jan 15^th -- Marianne develops millennium bug. Microsoft disclaim responsibility.

Feb 24^th -- American/French invasion of Britain (1797) repulsed by unarmed fisherwomen in red skirts led by J. Nicholas.

Mar 10^th -- Last chance to nominate Plokta, Dr Plokta and Sue Mason for Hugos for best fanzine, fanwriter and fan artist.

Mar 13^th -- The feast of St Sorensen is celebrated in Leeds with strange pagan rituals. Britain overrun by Swede.

Apr 1^st -- EB Frohvet denies being Peter Mandelson. Andy Hooper revealed as a pen-name for a coalition of teenage gamers masterminded by Paul Kincaid.

Apr 9^th -- Jack Cunningham bans the import of live drunken fuckwits from the Channel Islands in an attempt to prevent the spread of Truffan's disease. Tobes gets in disguised as an Irish hamburger.

Apr 10^th-13^th -- Coven of cackling witches (and David Cooper) celebrates Black Easter in Manchester. Viking invasion finally repelled after much loss of beer.

Apr 14^th -- Cabal swear to never ever get involved with Eastercons ever again.

Apr 23^rd -- St George's day. Steve and Giulia find dragon's head on doormat.

Apr 25^th -- Last chance to vote in the 1998 westbound TAFF race (Chris Bell/Bridget Hardcastle/Maureen Kincaid-Speller).

Apr 26^th -- TAFF three-way tie resolved when Chris Bell changes his name to Hold-Over Funds.

May 1^st -- Longstanding immigration difficulties finally resolved by special government working party. Tim Illingworth emigrates to Chattanooga. Marcia Illingworth emigrates to Chessington.

May 15^th -- Pat McMurray, conrunner without portfolio, starts negotiating with Peter Mandelson to hire the Millennium Dome for the next British Worldcon.

May 19-21^st -- Frankinmas. Founder CAMRA member St Dunstan the Brewer sells his soul to the devil in exchange for a blight on the local cider crop (697 AD).

Jun 21^st -- Midsummer's Day. EB Frohvet exposed as an alien gray on the X-Files. Dave Langford demands the return of his electric fire.

Jul 15^th -- St Swithun's Day. Rain of coypu in Croydon.

Aug 5^th-9^th -- Bucconeer is held in Baltimore. Plokta cabal take Hugos in three categories, but have to give them back to Dave Langford.

Sep 7^th -- Labor Day holiday in US. Hundreds of confused fans turn up in Baltimore looking for a Worldcon.

Sep 29^th -- Michaelmas. Beatification of his holiness, the Abbot.

Oct 19^th -- St Frideswide's Day, followed by the ceremonies of Blessing of the Treacle, Sacrifice of the Pudding and the Last Supper of Reverend Mother Wells.

Oct 20^th -- Pam Wells dies of a surfeit of treacle and is instantly sanctified by the Pope as patron saint of sparkly shoes. Heretical followers of St Lucy the Huntzinger form a schism.

Nov 7^th -- Feast of the blessed Novacon somewhere in the West Midlands. Banana Wings wins Best Fanzine Nova. Plokta comes third yet again. Sulk!

Dec 5^th -- Brian and Caroline's annual birthday event is reinstated as a bring-a-brick party. Ravening hordes of fans descend on Ilford.

Dec 6^th -- Building work on Brian and Caroline's new house is finally finished. X-Files investigates strange appearance of a tower of bricks in Wealdstone.

Dec 25^th -- EB Frohvet denies being son of Ghu incarnate. Purple star seen in the west.

Dec 31^st -- Microsoft admit that it now appears possible that the launch of Windows 98 might conceivably be delayed.