Dr Plokta's Guide to Software

We've been trialling a range of fine new computer toys here at Plokta Central. Do you want Jerry Dr Plokta to enthuse wildly over your product? Just send us a free sample and we'll give it a silly name and make sure everyone gets to hear about it.

LoCoscript

A boon to the harried loccer, this program is linked to an OCR interface which will absorb a fanzine and produce a reasonable LoC, perhaps not quite of the highest quality, but certainly enough to ensure that one remains on the mailing list. We've been using it for years ourselves. Prospective users should note, however, that we have installed a handy shareware utility that can detect LoCoscript LoCs, and they will be WAHFed.

Pretty Good Cruttenden

This popular encryption program will take normal text and turn it into completely incomprehensible bollocks. We were impressed by the sample of enCruttened text reproduced here. However, our review copy was supplied without decryption routines, which makes us wonder what the point is.

Dr Plokta's Anti-Gafia Toolkit

A handy set of utilities for warding off the dreaded Gafia. Despite the wide array of computer programs supplied, the single most effective item is probably the voucher for a lifetime supply of condoms. Beware of the contemptible imitation, Dr Gafia's Anti-Plokta Toolkit.

ShockWAHF

The ShockWAHF Plugin will automatically search the electricity grid for those who have been WAHFed in your latest fanzine and administer 240V in order to encourage them to turn in a more interesting LoC next time.

Kai's Power Ghu

This handy image manipulation package will turn any picture into an ideal fannish fillo. Handy slider controls allow you to control the quantity of cats, the number of propellers on the beanies and the level of superfluous technology.

Microsoft Pub-Ish-er

Microsoft's latest program takes you painlessly through all stages of fanzine creation, from the initial concept to the mailing. The Gestetner interface was particularly appreciated. Indeed, it proved so useful and bug-free that it's been used to produce this issue of Plok beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeep nnnnnnnNNNnnnnnNNNnnnnnNNNnnnnnNNNnnnnn nnnnnNNNnnnnnNNNnnnSPROING doo-wop-doo-wop KA-BLOOEY! chunk doink punt CRASH clunk clunk cla-clunk clunk oo-ah-ah thump thump thump CLOMP thump thump ting-tang walla-walla BING BANG ow-ow-ow AH-OOGA AH-OOGA ouch! sproink bloop fwee-fweee-fweeee-fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeà

Games Corner

Meanwhile, here at Chaos Hovel, we've been getting a bit of games practice in for Christmas. High on our list are

• Dop & Simo Hit the Road: A high-quality graphical adventure featuring the exploits of the loveable but obnoxious duo as they travel to all corners of fandom getting into trouble. Dop provides copious quantities of bollocks and Simo provides SFX. Chillingly true to life.
• Sorensonic the Hedgehog: Foil the evil Sorensonic and his wily plans to kidnap innocent and unsuspecting US conventions and ravish them in a sleazy hotel in Leeds.
• Leather Conrunners of Phobos: This retro text adventure is a delight, from the opening scene, when you visit the appropriate loo to determine if you play Chris Bell or Pat McMurray, through the difficulties of getting round the Radisson Edwardian whilst saying "gafia", "where's the artshow" and "Colour 6 to Colour Base, crackle crackle" at appropriate intervals, to the machine which adds spurious h's to objhects. The game has three levels, Unicon, Eastercon and Worldcon. If you try to select the Worldcon level, the program will ask you if you are insane. Unless you reply 'yes', you are restricted to Eastercon. We could have done without the scratch 'n' sniff card, though, which included pork pies, stale beer and the tech crew.
• Simo City/Simo Earth/Simo Ant/Simo Farm/Simo SFMag/ [That's enough Simo jokes — Ed]
• Banana Wing Commander: Mark Hamill plays Mark Plummer and a Kilrathi plays Claire Brialey ("Miaow, I'm crap") in this space-war shoot-'em-up. This game should be suitable for all ages as there's a no shagging disclaimer on the box. We especially enjoyed the first special mission, where the objective is to flatten Croydon.

Bookshelf

If you're looking for a book to read over Christmas with the folks and away from the computer, you could do worse than the popular Dummies series. New additions include Fanzines for Dummies, Drinking for Dummies, Conrunning for Dummies and Worldcons for Complete Fuckwits.