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by
ACT ONE
Scene: A street in Eugene, Oregon, site of the 17th World Stfcon
Leecius Jacobus:
Hence! Home, you idle creatures, get you home:
Is this a holiday? What! Know you not,
Being mechanical, you ought not walk
Upon this day without the latest FAPA mailing?
---Speak, what FAP art thou?
Waltius Willis:
Why, sir, an Irish FAP recently Big Ponded,
Without funds to return home, and in this strange land stronded.
Jacobus:
Where is thy FAPAzine and thy buck fifty, hey?
Knowest thou not that all must pay?
Unto the royal coffers each man
Must give a dollar fifty American.
Willis:
Ay, noble sir, but how wouldst an Irishfan, poor
And stranded on this shore,
And not in the best of health
Gain such Yankee wealth?
Unto you this tale I tell;
If a bob would be acceptable,
Then Robert Shaw I'd gladly give, I will
For well he would the royal coffers fill,
And unto overflowing, with Irish wit
That, witless, plagues and give a fit
To those who press the slanted press
Til laughter hinders all progress.
Yes, Shaw I'd gladly give
For just the chance to live
As once I did, midst hi-fi amps
Without a thought of mental cramps
And twisted wit and humor grave,
Which, tho I face with courage brave,
I'd rather flee, unto the night
Where darkness reigns and there is no White?
I'd rather walk among the heather
And never hear the words "a feather".
Yea, if to give is FAPAN law,
I beg you let me give Bob Shaw.
Jacobius:
Cease thy idle banter, Willis,
For surely thou does't try to fill us
To overflowing with useless prattle
Of Shaw and White and Irish cattle.
No more of this blarney will we hear.
So pay your dues and let there be beer!
Willis:
Oh, sire, you do not hear me right.
For tho I speak of Shaw and White,
I would unto you make it clear
That I haven't a penny to spend on beer.
I've given you so many clues
To the fact that I have no money for dues.
Think you that if I had a dime
I'd waste my time on this silly rhyme!
For if I had some dough
I' swiftly go
Through yon door
To Ireland's shore
A ticket to buy,
That would I ...
For I'm not content
With the time I've spent
With Fannius McCainius.
Let me go
For now I know
That this McCainius
Is out for gain, he is.
My info's straight.
He wants to dictate
O'er each fan
That's in the band
Called FAPA
Bobus Tuckerri:
I'm very tired of listening to
This Irish stew
About the noble fan
McCainius, for every man
Knows of Fannius's works
And of the potent thought that lurks
Behind each word
That is heard
From the noble fan, McCainius.
So here, Jacobius, take this buck fifty
And when buying beer be not thrifty.
We'll not deny this slanter of words
His right to be among the birds
Who put out FAPAzines.
Let this poster of Outpost, this harping Harp,
Become a member of the FArP.
And thought I blush at such forced rhyme
My time shall come, and come in time.
Shelbus Vickus:
Listen, Willis, for I say
That a plot is underway
To free our land
Of the treacherous fan.
And altho it may pain us,
We shall kill McCainius.
For anyone who would dictate
To his fellow vertebrate
Deserves to die,
Say I.
Willis:
Aye.
Vickus:
So come and listen to the plan
To put an end to the man
Who would enslave us.
For you, Willis, will help save us.
Willis:
Aye.
((Fanfare, followed by Paul Ganely. Enter Fannius McCannius and party))
Coswalius:
McCainius for emperor of the FAP!
There is no more deserving sap.
No member of this train is
Half as deserving as McCainius.
Now, peace he, Fannius will speak.
List' to the words that drop from his beak.
McCainius:
Caldonia!
Caldonia:
My lord?
Thy word
Has reached my ear.
You call for me, I hear.
Eneyis:
Beware the Ides of SAPS!
McCainius:
What man is this that walks
Within my train and talks
of SAPS?
Coswalius?
Out of the many, he is
The one called Eneyis.
McCainius:
He is a dreamer. Let us leave him.
But scorn him not, for I would not grieve him.
A noble editor this Eneyis,
Some say better than FTLaney is.
Caldonia:
Oh noble lord
Whose honored word
Doth proclaim
A fannish fame
An honored name
Which none dare shame.
Caldonia:
I've seen a vision in the skies,
Which tells to me that danger lies
About thee in the men,
Who call themselves "devoted fen".
McCainius:
A goodly prophet you, as well as a darn good cook.
---Among my men? Well ... yon Willis hath a lean and hungry look.
And when I look to Tuckerri
I see a wary watching eye.
But noble Jacobius, I give
My trust, for I know he'd as leave I live,
For when eventide draws near,
I invite him to my house for beer.
In return I know he'd strive
To keep me alive.
Caldonia:
Yes, sire, a good man is he.
But what if they offer him beer for free ---?
Could you trust him then
In the hands of unscrupulous men?
McCainius:
Listen to me, devoted wife,
I'd trust this Jacobius with my life.
He'd ne'er join in nefarious plan
To do away with the noble man
That is McCainius.
Chorus:
Yea! McCainius!
(exuent all but Jacobius and Tuckerri)
Jacobius:
I must piece it out.
Shall FAPA stand under one man's awe?
What? FAPA?
My zines did from the mailings of FAPA
The Hoffmania drive when Lee was called an emperor.
Tuckerri:
Sir, October is wasted 14 days.
I we would mail, we must look to our ways.
Jacobius:
Then we must goTo our mimeo.
But I'm in a stew
Over what to do
About the affair
That's in my hair.
Tuckerri:
May I ask
What task?
Jacobius:
They say this McCainius
Trying to make personal gain, he is.
They say that I've naught to fear
For they'll give me free beer
If I'll take part in the scheme
To end his dictatorial dream
And use my little knife
Tuckerri:
To speak of such things is heresy!
--They'll give a man free beer, you say?--
Hummm ... if free beer they'll give,
McCainius has not long to live.
Jacobius:
Listen my friend, and you shall hear
That I've decided on Free Beer.
To the mimeo we'll away
McCainius shan't live another day!
ACT TWO
Convention Hall. Coswalius is introducing the guest speaker, McCainius)
Coswalius:
I say this now to every fan.
We should honor this mighty man.
Honor the noblest fan to live.
Unto McCainius, what is McCainius's give.
Chorus:
Yea! McCainius!
McCainius:
Lend me your ears, for I have a plan
To elevate the noble fan
Known to his fellows as a FAP
Far above the common sap,
To the epitome of his dream,
To a place of ghlorious high esteem.
Willis: (aside)
Listen now, for we have a plan
To put an end to this bragging fan.
As Tuckerri said of those who rhyme
"The time shall come." Well -- now's the time.
Vickus:
O, Fannius McCainius ---
McCainius:
Hence! Wilt thou hold up the FAPA mailing?
Tuckerri:
Great McCainius ---
McCainius:
Doth not Jacobius beerless kneelAnd ask a can to wash down the noon meal?
Jacobius:
Nay, Lord ---
Willis:
You'd have each man on bended knee!
Well, let my typewriter speak for me! ((He draws a typewriter
from beneath his robe and drives it into McCainius's neck. Vickus and
Tuckerri follow. Jacobius is last to thrust.))
McCainius:
Et tu, Jacobius?
Jacobius:
Drank two, McCainius. Free beer for all!
McCainius:
Then fall, McCainius --- ((dies))
Coswalius:
Oh, mighty McCainius, doth thou lie so low?
Are all thy FAPAzines, SAPSzines, subzines, gratiszines,
Shrunk to this little measure -- Fare thee well.--
Vickus:
Don't take it so hard, kid. We all gotta go sometime.
Come on, let's all go have a beer.
Coswalius:
Vickus for emperor of FAPA!
Vickus:
That's the idea!
WIllis:
So call the field to rest and let's away
To drink as beer the profits of this happy day! ((exeunt))
--*--
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Updated September 29, 2015. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.