TROUBLE
BREWING

john berry

I've just had a brilliant idea.

I have noticed in my detailed perusal of fanzines that an element of fan-feuding is nearly always gently simmering underneath the surface, particularly, if I may say so, in the American fanzines. My own feeling on the subject is that one is apt to rush into cold print, in the heat of the moment, nasty, vindictive things which, on later consideration (when the fanzine is circulating) one regrets. Personally, I have made a vow never to indulge in a fannish feud, however great the provocation. But if a situation does arise when I have a serious fannish quarrel on my hands, I have found the answer.

I shall challenge the other party to a tea-drinking duel.

A great deal of thought has gone into this startling statement, and I propose to show here and now, in detail, the basic ritual that all Tea Drinking Duelists (henceforth known as Tee-Dees) should be guided by. It is natural to expect that etiquette is bound to vary slightly in different countries, and I hope that readers in, say, Japan or Peru or Norway will amend their code accordingly. There is no need to apply to me for permission to alter the undermentioned rules ... just use common sense, and allow the local customs to determine detailed amendments. My one stipulation is that, if by some mischance, tea is not recognized as the national drink, or perhaps is not available, ONLY A NON-INTOXICATING LIQUID IS TO BE USED.

As long as this is understood, and appreciated, I feel that readers are now ready to start the basic Tee-Dee instruction.

TAKE A TYPICAL FANNISH INCIDENT:

For example, let us suppose you have published a new fanzine called BEMULA. You eagerly scan the pages of various fanzines to whom you have sent copies for comment. In Coo you see:

BEMULA: This first issue is one of the most cruddy efforts it has ever been my misfortune to read. Not only is the printing illegible, more, it is unreadable. The illos have obviously been done with a knife and fork, and in my opinion, the fan-ed should go away and commit Hari-Kari ... at least.

Now, you don't like this. BEMULA is your brainchild. You have lavished care and money on it. The response is obvious. You rush out BEMULA 2 and say something like this:

COO: The most insipid production I have ever seen. If the fan-ed has to use toilet paper, he should at least remove the perforated edging. The material is utterly obnoxious, obviously written by a gang of fumbling cretins.

As you see, readers, we now have a feud on our hands, a feud that will get even more biting and vindictive as time passes by. However, bear in mind that if the parties had originally conducted themselves in their arguments as Tee-Dees, not only would fandom as a whole, benefit by not having to read the vicious dribble of bad-tempered fan-eds, but, after memories of the duel had elapsed nothing tangible could ever be produced to fan the dying embers.

The first step in this entirely SPORTING way of fannish duelling is:

THE CHALLENGE:

In England, in days of yore, when King Arthur was working on his round table, knights, anxious to duel, as was then the custom, slapped each other across the face with a chain-mail gauntlet. This is entirely unsatisfactory because chain-mail gauntlets are collectors pieces, and thus would be almost impossible for fans to obtain. To conserve, in some small way, this ancient custom, I have worked out a classical refinement.

To instigate a Tee-Dee duel, you slap your opponent across the face with a wet tea-bag ... and then, with a flourish, throw it at his feet, taking care not to drop it on your own shoes. You will agree that there is something poetic about this ... something that will appeal to the deep and fine fannish instincts of your victim. If he accepts the challenge, as he undoubtedly will, the correct procedure for him to adopt is to whirl the tea-bag three times around his head, and bring it down on the crown of your head with as much force as possible. This leads directly to

PRE-DUELING PROCEDURE

The two protagonists now chose two seconds each. I would suggest that one second, at least, should be well skilled in the now neglected art of spoon control, although if both prove so dexterous, all the better, because if the duel gets really grim and the 10 cup stage is reached, active spooning is essential for final triumph.

The umpire is chosen from the panel of four appended below. These gentlemen are Certified Tee-Dee Umpires, and no duel is legal without one of them in attendance. Expenses only are payable, although there is no objection to the winner passing a hat around the spectators, should there be any. And the Umpires are all allowed to receive a cup of tea after the proceedings.

Complete list of Officially Certified Tee-Dee Umpires.

Mr Forry Ackerman .........USA
Mr Robert Bloch ..............USA
Mr George Charters .........Great Britain and Northern Ireland
Mr Paul Enever ................ Great Britain and Northern Ireland

DUTIES OF UMPIRES

a. To arrange a time and place for the contest to take place under their personal supervision.
b. To take charge of the tea-urn at the scene and supervise the preparation of the brew.
c. To ensure that each cup reaches the duelist with the tea content exactly level with the Tee-Dee line.
d. To keep official tabulation of the number of cups consumed by each duelist.
e. To announce the winner.
f. To control the rush to the toilet.

NOTE: The umpire is in complete charge of proceeding from the tea-bag-slapping stage, until such time as the winner is officially declared. His powers are wide ... he may delegate the brand of tea to be used ... he may order the milk to be in bottles or tines (or cartons) ... etc ... etc. The only standard item of equipment is the cup, samples of which can be obtained from me at wholesale prices.

DUELLING ETIQUETTE

Generally, with the official umpire in attendance, nothing can go wrong, as the umpires are chosen for their worldly knowledge, age, and sense of fair play. Again, good manners in the arena will tend to keep down any incident. From past experience, however, it has been found necessary to make a few standing rules, which must be rigidly adhered to:

a. If the opponents are fan-eds, it is considered bad taste to flaunt copies of their fanzines. The diverse reasons are obvious.
b. Notices announcing that WILLIS IS GHOD may be exhibited behind the tea-urn, or in a neutral area.
c. Quote cards and fotos of Bob Tucker admissible by discretion of the umpire.

CONTEST PROCEDURE:

The opponents should not be introduced, but should each be brought forward separately to the umpire. The umpire will present a box of spoons for the duellists to select their own choice.

For myself, I never enter the arena without choosing a L. Shaw Mark III (shown here) which Mr. Shaw first introduced at a tea-drinking bout I had with him in Belfast in 1956 (under the auspices of Mr George Charters.)

Briefly, the spoon has its own built-in heat generator, the dynamo of which is worked by pressure on the lever spring. The idea is that the heat emitted by the transistors (B) turn the stirred tea into steam AFTER the full cup has been checked by the umpire. This, in effect, means that the quantity of tea so evaporated lessens the amount the duelist has to drink, thus making his overall task the easier. A L. Shaw Mark III, worked by an expert, is guaranteed to evaporate at least 20% of the liquid content.

Conversation by Duelists is not allowed, although spectators and cheer leaders are permissible.

CONCLUDING MOMENTS OF THE DUEL:

A basic facet of the Tee-Dee duel is that at no time during the actual combat is either of the contestants allowed to leave the field of honor, FOR ANY PURPOSE WHATSOEVER. A restroom should be located within the immediate vicinity of the field in case of emergency, but for either contestant to even glance in that direction is practically an admission of failure.

No time limit is in force. The winner is the individual who can consume the highest total of loaded cups without having to leave the table. Tea is carried to each duelist by an opposing second, to see that a percentage of the liquid is not slopped away en route.

POST-DUELING DEMEANOR:

When officially notified, the winner stands up (if able) and partakes of the LAP OF HONOUR. He may, of course visit the toilet before doing so, but it is generally recognized as a symbol of perfect bladder control (a feat of Master Duelsmanship) if the trip is left until after the LAP.

The umpire submits a report of each contest to the Tee-Dee Federation (Memnership of the Federation detailed in Schedule 2) who will order that the result be published in any six fanzines, but including GRUE, HYPHEN and BIPED.

No duel shall end in a draw. In previous contests in which I myself have taken part as a contestant, insuficient milk has been available. The responsibility for this is that of the umpire.

PROXY DUELLING:

Should a feud exist between, say, a British and an American fan, the affair can be handled by proxy. Special Tea-Bag Slappers are available on both sides of the Atlantic to handle the challenge. An umpire, either Mr Ackerman or Mr Bloch in America, or Mr Enever or Mr Charters in Great Britain, handle their respective duelist. IN THIS CASE, DUELLING SHALL TAKE PLACE ON THE SAME DAY, AS NEAR THE SAME TIME AS POSSIBLE. (If cable or radio contact can be maintained by the umpires during the duel, this is doubly advantageous). In any case, reports are submitted in triplicate to the Federation who are instructed to send out a one-shot, giving the result, within 21 days of the expiration of the contest.

SCHEDULE 1:

TEA DRINKING CHAMPIONS FOR 1956

The next list will be issued in 1957.

SCHEDULE 2:

TEE-DEE DUELLING FEDERATION 1956

APPENDIX:

Specially blended tea, eminently suitable for duelling, can be supplied at comparative prices by the firm I represent.

----John Berry
Autumn 1956

Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan

Data entry by Judy Bemis

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