BENNY
AND THE
BOCKHOCKIDS

by

DIRK PILAFF

as told to *NOVA OMELET* (a sweet old broad)
and stranscribed by YROC & IEXELA NIHSNAP

I. FARMER IS KILLED IN CRASH

A young farmer from Christ's Home, Warminster, died as a result of a two-car collision on Street Road, Warminster, at 7:21 p.m. Saturday. A passenger was seriously injured.*

A. Benny Bogotuik, hipper than the next, flash, ballsy and fifteen, Stash-Master of the Fleishhacker Pool People, ideal of women from ten to seventeen -- Benny Bogotuik crouched in the California pin oak leaf mold taking no mind of damage to his electric blue and orange tie-dyed burlap togs.

1. This was no moment for false pride, though it was a spiffy get-up.

2. Time enough for false pride later.

B. Below him, in the delicate filigree of late-afternoon Pacific sunshine, Benny could see the object of his quest, the heaviest rock group in the brick-and-stone rubble of San Francisco, the rightly-worshipped Bockhockids, as they practiced in their sacred grove in Crocker-Amazon Playground.

1.Since his own tribe's beloved Turnip Drill had died of botulism from a bad can of beans, the gods had not smiled on the Fleishhacker Pool People.

a. Time for Benny to go into action.

b. He was here to put the snatch on the Bockhockids.

2. Benny smiled to himself, the cool insouciant smile of an aficianado, as he recognized the song they played, the classic "Incense and Peppermints" of the Strawberry Alarm Clock.

II. REP. FAWCETT CALLS MEETING ON FLOODS

A special meeting to study the problems created by flooding in the Pennypack Creek area has been called for Thursday by Rep. Charlotte Fawcett, R-152.

A. Benny was nearly betrayed by his love of Golden Gassers, Blasts from Out of the Musical Past.

1. His foot tapping in the rustle-crunchy golden-brown leaf mold all but drowned the sound of a stelthy approach, but the keen acuity of his ear and the fantastic swiftness of his reflexes saved him once again.

a. He whirled, striking out with the rat-tat-tat efficiency of a Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker (Sphyrapicus varius) chiseling a hole in the interstices of a Golden Chinkapin (Castanopsis chrysophylla).

b. He missed.

2. The naked fourteen-year-old girl who had been about to bash him in the head with a fine-grained porphyroid leaped back at his overture, bounteous breasts bobbling beautifully.

a. Her face was deliciously spotted with pimples.

b. Her hair fell about her face in golden strings.

3. At the sight of his heroic visage, she gasped and dropped the rock.

a. "You're Benny Bogotuik," she said.

b. "Yes," he allowed modestly.

c. "You know what they say about you."

d. "No," he said. "Tell me."

B. The girl (her name -- Blodwen "Hot" Fawcett -- was stenciled in italic sans-serif capital letters one inch high beneath her bony rib cage) drew close and whispered in his ear, her tongue making quick little sidetrips.

1. "Wow," he said. "Do they really say that."

a. She nodded mutely and cast her eyes delicately downward.

2. "Well," he said.

a. Benny wrapped his tongue around her erect brown nipple and drew Blodwen close, spreading her legs wide with his prehensile toes.

b. No hands -- Benny was an advanced lover.

c. The leaves crunched rhythmically to the sound of the Bockhockids moving into "Wipe Out" by the Surfaris.

III. FOREIGN STUDENTS ENROLLED

There are five exchange students at Pennridge High School this year. They are: Mads Ingholt, Felix Farre, Bernard Peralto, Angela Schlafer, and Angela Bogutzki.

A. Benny pulled his burlap together and left Blodwen there gurgling and writhing at the memory of his potency, and strode on down the hill to meet the Bockhockids, secure in the knowledge that he had justified his advance billing.

1. He was an amiable young man and he aimed to please.

2. But enough of that.

B. Bouyed by the memory of his potency -- he was no more immune than anyone else to the power of his legend -- Benny faced the Bockhockids, pointed his finger and named them one by one.

1. "Noel Harrison Ingholt -- electronic nose flute."

2. "Scott McKenzie Farre -- theorbo."

3. "Joey Dee Peralto -- ocarina."

4. "Bobby Sherman Schlafer -- glockenspiel."

5. "Blindboy Grunt Bogutzki -- finger cymbals."

C. They recognized him, too, as they were bound to, and broke first into spontaneous applause and then into the best rendition of "Sugar Sugar" that Benny had ever heard.

1. He accepted the tribute with all the modesty that you have come to expect of him.

a. Equals are cool about things like that.

b. You should have been there when Tiny Tim and Mrs. Miller met.

V. ELAINE SOURWINE, KENNETH KRAH, ANNOUNCE TROTH

Mrs. Charles Rohrback of Porters Lake and Mr. William Sourwine of Lebanon announce the engagement of their daughter, Elaine Sourwine, to Mr. Kenneth H. Krah, Blooming Grove, son of Mr. and Mrs. Elmer G. Krah, 114 Horseshoe Lane, Warminster.

A. When they were done, Benny Bogotuik returned their applause.

1. "I've come to kidnap you and carry you away with me," he said.

2. "Us?" they said in wonder. "But we are only the second-best rock group in San Francisco."

3. "The best in San Francisco," Benny said. "The best in the world. The Turnip Drill has died from bad beans and the Fleishacker Pool People must have a new rock band."

4. "Yes," they said. "Yes. Yes. We will. Oh yes."

B. And on the spot they packed their instruments -- electric nose flute, therobo, ocarina, glockenspiel and finger cymbals -- and prepared to leave with Benny for a new sacred grove in the San Francisco Zoological Garden between Lake Merced and the sea.

C. But they had hardly set a foot outside the grove when fifteen aroused men leaped upon Benny and subdued him and shooed the Bockhockids back where they belonged.

1. "Get these ideas out of your heads," they said, "and go back to your practice. You're our rock group."

a. "How did you know?" asked the Bockhockids. "What made you suspect?"

b. "It was easy," the fifteen aroused men said. "You were playing 'Sugar Sugar'. We knew it had to be something heavy."

IV. BRIDGE MARKS 100TH YEAR

'Hoopla" will abound at the centenary celebration for the Erwina Covered Bridge.

A. They carried Benny back to their headquarters at the corner of Moscow Street and the 1300 block of Geneva Avenue.

1. "Imagine," they said to themselves. "Benny Bogotuik here."

2. "It's kind of an honor, isn't it," they said to themselves. "It must mean that our own Bockhockids are the best rock group in San Francisco."

3. "But we can't let the Bockhockids go," they said. "Not now."

B. Benny said, "You'll never stop me. I mean to have the Bockhockids and I will."

1. They have to believe him.

a. After all, he was Benny Bogotuik.

b. He was Stash-Master of the Fleishhacker Pool People, and that ain't nothin' to fuck with.

2. "We can't kill min," they said. "That wouldn't be right. We'll have to blow his mind."

C. They strapped Benny into place and wired him to their maximum power source, four Eveready "D" Batteries they had been hoarding to turn on Noel Harrison Ingholt's electric nose flute, and they switched on the current!

1. Simultaneously, they lit matches before his eyes and whispered suggestively into Benny's ear.

2. Benny's eyes glazed and he grew rigid.

a. They were past masters at Mind-blowing.

b. Benny was caught in the grip of a powerful illusion.

VI. BLAIR MILL PARENTS PLAN FALL FESTIVAL

A Fall Festival to benefit the Blair Mill Elementary School Parent Teacher's Association will be held Oct. 22 at the school, Pepper Way, Horsham. Entertainment for the children will include television personality Dr. Shock and an imitation of the Sesame Street character, Big Bird.

It was night in Poughkeepsie. Lew Poff, middle-aged computer corporation executive, stood before the hungry maw of the flamingo pink toilet in his suburban bathroom, one foot at ease in the warmth of a high-piled turquoise bath rug, the other nervously savoring the chill of a 2 a.m. tile floor. He hoped his aim was true in the darkness, but he was too deeply engaged in the on-going flow of event to break off and find the light switch. He was afraid he was going awry. It was the symbol of his life, he decided bleakly. He wouldn't turn on the light even if he could.

As he stood urinating into the unknown like an albatross winging into the setting sun, strange thoughts flickered through his mind. Thoughts of the Fillmores, East, West and Millard. Of trading HAL Int. for a Fender bass and disappearing into the West to begin life anew as a nineteen-year-old rock star. One speculative fantasy succeeded another.

It seemed to him suddenly that he had been pissing for a long time, but at the same time he felt he had barely begun. All the certainties of his life were suddenly a matter for question. He could have been here forever, world beginning to world end, pissing his life away, and all that he thought he was or might be could equally be a dream.

This was reality. This was true reality.

He stood, one foot warm, one foot cold, caught in the eternal moment.

VIII. HINDERLITER, ROATCHE RIP KNIGHTS 28-7

The name Joe Hinderlighter isn't new to the followers of the Hatboro-Horsham (5-0) football team, but seeing his name ahead of Alan Roatche in the yards rushing column will probably give future coaches some sleepless nights waiting for the red and black game.

A. The door burst open, and into the room strode naked Blodwen Fawcett, savage, sullen, defiant and contempteous, beautiful breasts bobbling bounteously.

1. "Cheech," she said chidingly. "You shouldn't have done it. I'm not going to be your groupie any more."

2. "But he was trying to snatch our sacred rock group," the fifteen aroused men said.

B. She waved their futile excuses away.

1. "I'll take Benny Bogotuik any way I can have him," she said, "over you. Even like this. He warmed my loins like no one ever did before."

2. "If it's a boy," she said, "we'll name him Dick. If it's a girl, we'll name her Pat. After the Nixons."

a. She paused in the doorway with Benny balanced like a board on her shoulder.

b. "You haven't heard the last of us," she opined. "Lose sleep."

-- Cory and
Alexei Panshin

Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan

Data entry by Judy Bemis

Updated August 29, 2002. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.