ACCORDIAN
YOU ..............
Dear Editor,
The answer to the question posed in the previous issue is YES.
Caligula True
# Perhaps. Keep those letters coming. .................................................................................................................WHEW#
-------
Dear WHEW,
Using an arbitrary scale of my own invention, running from one to one hundred Points, I rate the stories in your previous issue, in the respective order of their appearance on the Table of Contents, thusly: 84, 91, 71, 80, and 4. This averages out to 64 for the issue, not including the regular features, none of which I felt I understood well enough to attempt rating. You have dropped below my arbitrary passing average of 65. Cancel all my subscriptions at once.
Ralph D. Ralph
(You are mistaken, Ralph; or Mr. Ralph, if you prefer. The figures 84, 91, 71, 80, and 4 add up to 330. The average of 330, dividing it as is the custom by 5, the number of items, in this case stories, is 66, a passing grade. While I don't agree with your scores completely, I do feel that you should at least make some sort of small effort to add them up and divide correctly. Didn't you think I'd notice. I always notice. Everything. And it is my considered opinion that you deliberately and with malice aforethought added them up wrong to embarrass me publicly. Either that or you're a crank, and I hate cranks and piss on them in the street. Whichever, Ralphie Boy, canceling your subscription will be a definite pleasure, one that I've been looking forward to for a long long time. Keep those letters coming. .................................................................................. WHEW #
--------
Sir,
What is this "fandom" anyway? What is "science fiction"? What is "New Wave"? What is "the younger generation of writers"? What is "Old Wave"? What is a "Hugo"? What does "moon" mean? What is a "chrono-synclastic-infundibulum"? What is a "fmz"? Why do you clutter your magazine up with all that stupid fiction?
Pristine Pruitt
# It's my magazine and I'll clutter it up however I please. If you don't like it -- tough. I like it, and that's the important thing. Sure, it's not all a bed of roses. I have my share of problems. The copy-editing isn't all it might be and my mimeograph broke down the other day, but I'm not complaining. And ungrateful writers keep suing me and my publisher and saying nasty things about us in print, but that's water over the dam. Things are improving steadily. Someday I'll be king. Then you'll be sorry. Keep those letters coming .................................................................................................................................WHEW#
--------
Dear Editor,
The answer posed to the previous question in this issue is NO.
Caligula Tree
# Possibly. Keep those letters coming. ......................................................................................................... WHEW)
-------
Dear Mr. Editor Sir,
The artwork is great! The stories are great! Gee whiz! The non-fiction is a little hard to figure out sometimes but it's really terrific! Gosh, you sure are a wonderful editor! I've always wanted to write, you know! Along with this letter I'm submitting a ninety thousand word novel about life under the domes of Vesuvius! This time I indented each paragraph and used quotation marks around dialog like you told me to!
"Hee, I hope you buy it!"
Gulliver Gush
# Keep those letters coming. ............................................................................................................................. WHEW)
------
Dear Ed,
I refer you to the story GALLOPING GLADNEY by Frank Moss in your previous issue, Volume XXX, Number 9. The original premise for this story was used by Findly Field in a poem entitled ABACUS RETURNS, in the Volume IX, Number 11 issue of WHISTLER TALES, dated November, 1917. The secondary idea of bringing a corpse back to life by use of vanilla extract mixed with saltpeter and carrot juice is not a new one, either. Examine Volume XIX, Number 3, Whole Number 231, of BLATANT PROHIBITION EXCESSES MONTHLY, and you'll discern a factual article by Field Gladney entitled PRACTICAL MYSTICISM AND ITS CAUSES. The entire concept is detailed there. Characterizations found in Moss's story may be found in either of two places. I refer you to the Hong Kong translation of a Japenese fantasy one-shot called UNDER-THE-COUNTER ABACUS WHISTLES, and a story entitled SYANARA FINDLEY by Lu La Le, whom I later discovered to be the irregular pseudonym of popular German soccer star Reichlieu Gladney. Or in Volume XXX, number 8 of your own magazine, in your editorial. I suspect someone's subconscious mind is at work here. Who is this Findley Moss really? Huh? Be genuine.
(Name withheld at correspondent's request)
# Moss's actual identity was revealed in the lead article of my one-shot fanzine CRUNCH EXCLAMATION POINT. I guess you missed that issue. Too bad. Keep those letters coming. ...................................................................... WHEW)
-------
Sirrah!
It has come to my attention that you have been carrying on clandestine correspondence in code with my thirteen year old daughter Pristine. If this continues I will have no recourse but to notify the authorities. The cover of your previous issue was slightly better than the one before. I would rather see a naked woman than a spaceman any day.
Rev. Abraham Isaiah J. Pruitt
# I'll take it under advisement. Keep those letters coming. ................................................................................. WHEW)
------
Sir,
We can't go on meeting like this.
Pristine Abraham Pruitt
# Probably. Keep those letters coming. ............................................................................................................. WHEW)
--------
Dear Son,
You never visit me any more. You never call. You never write. I sit here in the kitchen up to my elbows in Joy suds and stare at the rainbow bubbles going down the drain and you know what I do? I wonder, that's what. Yes, I wonder is my boy, my one and only sonny boy baby child all right? Why doesn't he call? Why doesn't he write? Why doesn't he visit me? Why why why? Is he dead? Does he think I'M dead? Down the drain. Why? Why? WHY?
Mother
# See my editorial this issue. Keep those letters coming. ................................................................................... WHEW)
--------
Dear WHEW,
The question to the previous pose in the issue answer is MAYBE.
Caligula Tray
# Wouldn't be surprised. Keep those letters coming. ......................................................................................... WWEH)
.
.
--Bob Toomey
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Updated August 29, 2002. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.