FANDOM ...........................................................YNGVI
UBER..................................................................WAS A
ALLES! ..............................................................LOUSE!




Since about 1950 we have been tediously gathering bricks for the project, ably assisted by hundreds of fans who contributed to the mail-carrier's load and now, at last, the magnificent edifice is up and waiting to house the unwashed hordes of fandom. We had enough bricks to erect a beautiful ten-storey hotel which includes three hundred sleeping rooms (each of which will expand for parties). five function rooms, two fan history rooms, two restaurants, an indoor swimming pool and a sauna. We lack only wheels to move the hotel from city to city. As soon as we can find the wheels and attach them in an approved engineering manner we plan to go on the road and into the convention business.

(illo: outside of Tucker Hotel)

These are our plans for the Ultimate Convention.

The Ultimate Convention will be held in the Tucker Hotel in a city to be selected by you. To vote for the selection site you need only donate a dollar to DUFF or TAFF, and tweak the beard of Rusty Hevelin. Our hotel will offer the discriminating fan the lowest prices, the very best service, fine foods and mattresses, and a total freedom from nagging airline pilots who want to do silly things like sleeping while parties are in progress nearby. Airline pilots will not be admitted to the Tucker Hotel.

Reservations at the hotel will be restricted to true fans, to favorite hucksters, to starving artists, and to those pros who promise not to make speeches while on the premises. Any pro caught making speeches will have his name and book titles removed from the trivia bowl. Hucksters will be admitted only if they contribute generously to the kitty for bathtub refreshments.

All the hotel employees from the doorman, to the maids, to the cooks will be given free memberships in the convention and will be invited to participate in the room parties. This thoughtful gesture will ensure either their whole-hearted service, or no service at all, depending on their heads the following morning. The hotel manager will be a member of the convention committee and will be accountable to the chairman. At the close of each convention he will be called in to account before the business meeting, and his contract will be renewed for another year only if he receives a vote of confidence from the fans assembled. Proxies from absent fans sleeping it off will be accepted.

(illo: maid wearing propeller beanie)

A word about room rates.

A modest fee of three dollars per day will be charged. This fee is for space only, not the number of people occupying a room. However, if more than ten people are occupying, the management will insist that the bathroom have at least two bars of soap and two toothbrushes. Impoverished fans will be allowed to sleep in the lobby free of charge, but in return they will be required to tidy up the grounds of all beer cans, paper cups, and bathtubs thrown out of windows the night before. (Bathtubs dropped from rooftops are exempt from this requirement.)

(illo: fan sleeping in lobby)

Ice machines and sodapop dispensers will be serviced hourly on a round-the-clock basis, by a squad of Dorsai Irregulars charged with that duty. The commander of the Dorsai squad will be relieved of his duties and demoted if the machines are neglected. Ice will be free and sodapop will sell at 10¢ per can or bottle.

(illo: Dorsai guarding sodapop machine)

Particular attention should be paid to the beautifully decorated fan history rooms.

The first room, opening off the spacious lobby and always under armed guard, is the Degler Room. Here on display will be found an amazing array of Degler artifacts including complete runs of the Cosmic Circle publications, all the important manifestos and broadsides, the famous Battle Creek Exclusion Paper with annotations by Al Ashley himself, a pair of ragged tennies worn to Chicon One in 1940, and the very shovel used to dig down to hell in a New Castle backyard. Stroll through the Degler Room at your leisure and relive fandom's colorful past.

The second fan history room nearby is the Robert Silverberg room. Only Silverberg has the key and it is for his exclusive use when he needs a retreat. When sorely vexed, Mr. Silverberg is wont to go off by himself and shout "Aaaarrrrrgh!" This room may become known as the 'Aaarrrrrgh Room'.

And now, our hospitable facilities.

The restaurant and coffee-shop will be kept open on a 24-hour basis and no meal except that of sirloin steak will cost more than $1.00. For those few discriminating fans who eat sirloin steak, the cost will be $1.25. Breakfast will not be served after 5 p.m. each afternoon. As a matter of course, all waitresses will be convention members and will not accept tips larger than 10¢. A special task force of non-drinking fans headed by Forry Ackerman will be charged with the responsibility of rounding up waitresses, getting them sober and fully dressed, and delivering them to their duty stations ten minutes before they are scheduled to work.

(illo: fan eating sirloin steak dinner in restaurant)

Now, the elevators. The Tucker Hotel has a bank of seven large machines. One elevator will be set aside for pot smokers wanting to get high quickly. Five other elevators will run continuously, and will be programmed to eject children punching all the buttons. The seventh and last elevator will be taken out of service at random hours of the day and night, so that Veteran fans with a fondness for the good old days can bitch about it.

(illo: elevator)

A word about our cheerful tavern.

The barroom will be called 'Gordy's Grogshop'. The only bourbon sold in the Grogshop will be Beam's Choice. The Grogshop will sell drinks at half-price during the Happy Hour, and that Happy Hour will extend from noon each day until sunrise the following morning. Gordy's Grogshop will be closed for a few hours each morning to allow the staff to sweep out the peanut shells, the beer cans, and the drunken editors sleeping on the floor. It should be noted that the convention guests of honor, the toastmaster, and the committee all will be served free drinks during the Happy Hour. A drunken con chairman is a contented con chairman.

(illo: bar scene)

There will be no speeches during the official program. The guests of honor may, if they choose, have their speeches mimeographed at their expense and distributed at the door to the hall. The fans assembled in the hall, to better demonstrate their respect for the guests, will be encouraged to make paper airplanes out of the mimeographed speeches.

(illo: program room)


Indeed, the con committee will not be permitted to formulate a program of any kind but will instead be required to turn the programming over to the assembled fans. Individuals in the audience will be encouraged to make up the entire program and present it on the stage or podium. But a caution: the microphone and the lights will be turned off if any member of the audience is found dozing or napping during this spontaneous program.

Truly, it will be an ideal convention.

All this -- this great, glorious Ultimate Convention -- can take place as soon as we find wheels to move The Tucker Hotel.

Save your old roller skates.

-- Bob Tucker

Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan

Data entry by Judy Bemis

Updated October 19, 2002. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.