In my last column I proposed coating the hull of your spacecraft with vaseline so that it could slip through the pull of earth's gravity with greater ease. Admittedly my proposal was radical in nature and difficult to grasp, but it was not without merit. While no one in the scientific community (i.e., Palo Alto, California) has actually endorsed it as of this writing not one reputable scientist has challenged the validity of my concept. It is almost as if they are ignoring the matter entirely, no doubt feeling that I have said all that needs saying on the subject.
Once you have effectively gone beyond the pull of earth's gravity a new problem arises, namely: what do you do when you get there? This is one of the questions that has long puzzled mankind (along with why dropped toast always lands buttered-side down and how come crudzine editors always find your mailing address). Obviously you need a means of propulsion that will enable you to reach your destination, which we will call Point B (even though it is actually Point C).
For a journey of any great distance the traditional means of propulsion (which is to say liquid fuel) is not predictable due to the restrictions the volume and weight of such fuels would impose. One alternative, proposed by a scientist who shall remain nameless (on the advice of my attorney and because the piece of paper with the scientist's name written on it didn't survive the wash cycle), is a craft propelled by atomic bombs. The bombs would be released at the tail of the craft and detonated in a cup-like area so that the force of the explosion would propel the spacecraft. The basic principles behind this idea are quite similar to those of the pogo stick, especially in the areas where they are alike, although not so much where they are different.
Unfortunately this big bang theory of propulsion has similar weight and volume problems to liquid fuels and the residue left in space from the explosions would probably violate current EPA standards. There is also a very real danger that an aborted launching might result in a series of massive explosions within the earth's atmosphere and create a great deal of fallout, both politically and otherwise.
The basic idea, however, is valid and I have used my background in hard and fast science to come up with my own variation, which I call The Modified Big Bang Theory. In a nutshell, my idea involves replacing the atomic bombs with popcorn.
Any fool can calculate how many popcorn kernels it would take to match the propulsion of an atomic bomb and you could release a steady stream of kernels into a cup-like area and have lasers mounted there to heat the kernels until they pop. My notion overcomes earlier problems associated with other sources of propulsion because popcorn kernels are quite small and lightweight compared to atomic bombs and liquid fuels and even if the flight was aborted in the earth's atmosphere and an explosion occurred, the worst that would happen would be that the inhabitants of the western United States would wake up to find themselves knee-deep in popcorn. Furthermore the exhaust of such a system in space would be a line of popped kernels which could be used to find your way home in case Point B was closed for the weekend.
Another advantage to my theory is that popcorn could serve both as a propellant and as food for the crew. By stretching something like a window screen over the open end of the cup, you would be able to retrieve the popped kernels once their explosive force had been expended and have fresh popcorn to eat while watching the in-flight movie. The popped kernels could also be processed to produce corn oil margarine (to go on the popcorn) and, of course, corn mash (to go in the popcorn eater). Some of you, especially those of you who are astronauts, may be asking "Just how long can a person survive on a diet of popcorn -- especially when that person is inside a spaceship." Based on 8 months of research at the Jiffy-Pop University of Super-Science, I can only answer, "You'd be surprised."
My popcorn powered spacecraft concept is bold and unconventional I admit, but then that's the kind of guy I am. Those of you who lost your sense of wonder long ago may dismiss my theories as corny but I don't care. They laughed at Christopher Columbus, they laughed at Robert Fulton, and they laughed at Rodney Dangerfield, but the popcorn powered spacecraft will get the respect it deserves.
-- Terry Hughes
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"Rosenblums Eliminates Haberackers"
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Data entry by Judy Bemis
Hard copy provided by Geri Sullivan
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Updated October 19, 2002. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.