An education is a ponderous thing. It takes about 17 years of hard work to acquire one, and almost twice as long to forget it. When all written out it will cover about ten sheets of paper. So that the average fan may have his faneducation at his fingertips, I am putting forth a small manual of education to serve the purposes of any fan, so that when the occasion arises, he can show off his store of knowledge for the edification of others not so well informed. When my Manual is published, every fan will be able to carry his education around in his hip pocket. Herewith follow examples of what it will contain:
1. SCIENCE:
Euclid invented a system of geometry based on the idea that two parallel lines cannot meet. It is now believed that this is untrue; they do meet. It is assumed that when they do they will get married and have little parallel lines. Newton invented the law of gravity. We think that someday someone will discover a way to reverse gravity, thus discrediting him. Einstein did some awfully difficult mental labor to get up the theory of relativity. Nobody else understands it, but it has something to do with atomic fission, curved space, and time travel.
Lorentz, Fitzgerald, Bohr, Planck, Oppenheimer, Michelson, Millikan, Compton, etc.: It is impossible for a busy fan to keep these apart. They discovered various things about space, radiation, light, time, etc.
Facts and theories of science: When you drop something, it falls. This is because of gravity. If you split a whole lot of atoms they make one hell of a noise. The Universe is very large; it is estimated that if a man were to start walking at 1000 miles per hour it would take him 10 hours to get halfway across. Mars is a red planet, which is enormously far away. It has canals on its surface, intersecting at several places, where there must be hotels.
2. SCIENCE-FICTION:
A. E. vanVogt is the best science-fiction author. Science-fiction is abbreviated stf; nobody knows what the "t" is for, but it is there. Astounding Science-Fiction is on the skids. John W. Campbell is the pen-name of Don A. Stuart. He also goes under the name of Secret Agent W2ZGU. This is because he is in the FBI. Sam Merwin edits some mag. Which one it is is doubtful, as he won't tell. Ray Palmer resigned as ed of Amazing because he discovered that Ziff and Davis are deros. Richard S. Shaver's correct address is Belleview. Ray Bradbury is a Martian, and George Orwell wrote Brave New World. Earle K. Bergey's real name is Salvador Dali.
3. FANTASY:
A. Merritt is the best fantasy author. He is now editing a magazine; since he is dead this shows that there must be ghosts. Edgar Allan Poe wrote something or other, for which he is very famous. H. Rider Haggard did not have a very good education; this is because he wrote a book called She. The correct title would be Her. H. P. Lovecraft's correct name was Cthulhu, and he lived in R'yleh or somewhere. He is notorious as the inventor of the type of breakfast cereal known as "Soggy Sothoth." Nobody knows who edits the Avon Fantasy Reader, but it always has semi-nudes on the cover. So nobody cares.
4. FANDOM:
Spacewarp is the second best mimeoed zine. It used to be the best until Rapp quit pubbing stories (This space is reserved for Rapp to comment in: * ). Some fen are SAPS. The plural of fan is fen. Many fans are classical music lovers. Redd Boggs recently escaped from jail: somebody smuggled a copy of Spacewarp to him and he used File Thirteen. Bob Tucker died recently. He revivied, however, upon being shown a picture of Ben Singer. Wilkie Conner takes Opium; where he takes it nobody knows. The Michigan Science-Fantasy Society recently disolved. A rumor that they dissolved in alcohol was disproven: it was Sterno. Eva Firestone is secretly married to Rick Sneary; and a guy named Bill Venable is telling the damndest lies you ever heard of in your life.
Let's see somebody top me. Any takers?
Text versions and page scans Judy Bemis
Data entry by Judy Bemis
Updated June 19, 2015. If you have a comment about these web pages please send a note to the Fanac Webmaster. Thank you.