Report of the first expedition to Alison's garden.

Day 1 -- Giulia discovers a mysterious door at the side of Alison's house. Beyond lies a dense and impenetrable forest. Royal Society decides to launch an expedition into the uttermost recesses of the dark continent. Plokta cabal co-opted.

Day 2 -- Party lost in impenetrable jungle of bindweed. Steven Cain has not been seen since the start of the expedition and we have given up all hope. We decide to try and follow the trail of used batteries left by Alison's digital camera.

Day 3 -- Discovered ruined city, inhabited by a lost white race, behind the rockery. We are attempting to destroy the bindweed as best we can, but it grows again as fast as we uproot it.

Day 4 -- Rescued Mike Scott who had been captured by natives and left as a sacrifice to the bindweed. We seem to be being followed by a tribe of hairy ape-like creatures, who swing through the shrubbery giving their hideous cry of "In-ger-laaaaaand!"

Day 5 -- We have come upon a path that we hope will lead us back to the house. Our leader is raving from lack of alcohol. We cannot go on much longer.

Day 6 -- We are lost. The natives are coming. The drums! The drums!

Day 7 -- We find the barbecue. Expedition eaten with hickory sauce.